Fidelis: A Memoir. Teresa Fazio. Lincoln, NE: Potomac Books, 2020.

Women’s stories of wartime, though always a part of our history, have too seldom been part of our discourse. In recent years, projects like the book Ashley’s War by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon and the documentary “The Invisible War” have pushed to the mainstream the issues facing women in the U.S. military, from dual-hatting to sexual harassment and assault to the very struggle to thrive and advance in a system that wasn’t designed with them in mind. Teresa Fazio’s Fidelis: A Memoir is a most welcome entry to this genre. The book is a readable and engaging first-person account of her journey from band geek to Marine Corps officer, her deployment to Iraq, and her troubled re-entry to civilian life. For me, it made for a fast-paced but thought-provoking weekend read.

Overshadowing much of the memoir are Fazio’s struggles with post-traumatic stress disorder  (PTSD), depression, suicidal ideation, survivor’s guilt, and a sense of moral injury derived from her affair with an older, married colleague. Each of these issues are dealt with in an honest and affecting way. These are struggles that many who have been deployed are likely to find relatable.

The book is a readable and engaging first-person account of her journey from band geek to Marine Corps officer, her deployment to Iraq, and her troubled re-entry to civilian life.

Expectations of gender also haunt the edges of Fazio’s memoir. Though she describes herself physically as an unlikely Marine--petite and female--some elements of service come naturally a self-described tomboy from a family of brothers. Heeding the early warnings of female instructors--who state that all female Marines can be classified as “a bitch, a dyke, or a ho”[1]--Fazio engages in a kind of gendered code switching.[2] She never truly gives up the society of other women, like the more conventionally feminine Marla, but she also struggles to become one of the guys: repressing her femininity and detaching herself from her emotions. She tells dirty jokes and jokingly refers to Iraqis as “animals.”[3] In the positive reactions she receives, she finds “power and inclusion.”[4] It is this drive for acceptance that makes her attraction to an older, married man more disruptive. While she knows her mutual attraction with “Jack” holds serious consequences, she also finds solace in having emotional intimacy, a safe space where she otherwise feels she cannot completely belong. Under the “deployment microscope” and for years after, Fazio struggles with the fear that her mistakes will cause her to lose respect and, what’s worse, will create problems for other women in the Corps.[5]

The issues Fazio faces—a desire for inclusion, to overcome her imposter syndrome, and to be seen as someone who can succeed on the same terms as her male peers—are all themes that will be familiar to readers of other recent memoirs related to women’s military experience. In particular, Fazio’s experiences in Iraq recall those discussed in the book Ashley’s War, where women serving on Cultural Support Teams (CST) in Afghanistan strive to meet the standards of the Army Rangers they work alongside despite constant physical, verbal, and symbolic reminders of their difference.[6] Such pressure to conform, and the related anxiety about conforming, can intensify  for women as they gain proximity to marks of military authority or esteem—such as the idea of officership or the identity of an Army Ranger. Some authors have argued that the elite and exclusive image associated with these roles is in part predicated on the exclusion of women or, indeed, any outgroup that can be viewed as a threat to cohesion.[7] In this sense, too, it is easy to see how Fazio’s anxiety about engaging in a prohibited affair becomes a constant, overriding force.

Among one another, she tells us that other female Marines “elicited no commentary or judgment and could appear both feminine and strong.”[8]

Fidelis is not only about how rigid gender roles negatively impact women in the military; it is also, more subtly, about how those same expectations hurt men. Fazio is ultimately able to pull forward with the help of female friends, colleagues, and mentors. Despite what seems like a lifelong struggle to avoid her identity as a woman, it is ultimately her strong networks of female companionship that create the safe space in which she can unburden emotionally. Among one another, she tells us that other female Marines “elicited no commentary or judgment and could appear both feminine and strong.”[8] By contrast, Fazio watches from afar as many of her male colleagues spiral deeper into PTSD, substance abuse, and failed or failing marriages.[9] Though many of them try to support one another in times of crisis, it is evident that their support systems are more fragile. Fazio’s friend-turned-lover Jack is an excellent example of this, shouldering the burden of caring for his troubled men while hiding behind a false and failing façade of the ideal leader, husband, and father.

The divergent journeys of Fazio and Jack track with what we know from recent research on gender: That society perceives many acceptable ways to be feminine, but still only one way to be masculine.[10] What is true for the society of which the military is a part is all the more true for the military itself--especially the Marine Corps, where studies have shown a substantial divergence from public opinion on the issue of gender integration.[11] As one researcher points out with regard to women, especially in elite roles: “Keeping women out is not about women themselves, but about masculinity as a fragile state that must be constantly proven.”[12] These gendered expectations cut both ways. Research suggests that women and men are about equally likely to experience PTSD or anxiety after deployment, though women are somewhat more likely to report depression, while men are more likely to experience substance abuse. Importantly, women’s harms are also more likely to stem from their interactions with other servicemembers—particularly sexual harassment, sexual assault, and/or acts of retribution associated with reporting these crimes—than from external sources.[13] Fazio’s memoir lacks a single point of gendered crisis, but the implications are clear. Her defining moral injury is the result of her violation of personal and professional rules against adultery--rules in part defined by expectations of gender--and the series of small impacts that punctuate their affair ripple out in distinct ways for both her and Jack.

Fazio’s most important takeaways, about the power of support networks and the need to be forgiving toward one’s self, are important messages for all servicemembers. Her points about gender and organizational culture are likewise worthwhile entries into a larger discourse about the military, one likely to continue for years to come.

Alexis Henshaw is Assistant Professor in the Department of Political Science at Troy University, specializing in International Relations. She researches issues of gender in international security and is the author of Why Women Rebel and co-author of Insurgent Women.

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Header Image: Untitled by Hannah Skelly.

Notes:

[1] Teresa Fazio, Fidelis: A Memoir (Lincoln, NE: Potomac Books, 2020), 45–46.

[2] Fazio, Fidelis.

[3] Ibid., 18.

[4] Ibid., 95.

[5] Ibid., 129.

[6] Gayle Tzemach Lemmon, Ashley’s War: The Untold Story of a Team of Women Soldiers on the Special Ops Battlefield, 3rd Print edition. New York, N.Y: Harper, 2015.

[7] Megan MacKenzie, Beyond the Band of Brothers: The U.S. Military and the Myth That Women Can’t Fight. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2015.

[8] Fazio, Fidelis, 129.

[9] Ibid, 139.

[10] Claire Cain Miller, “Many Ways to Be a Girl, but One Way to Be a Boy: The New Gender Rules (Published 2018),” The New York Times, September 14, 2018, sec. The Upshot, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/14/upshot/gender-stereotypes-survey-girls-boys.html.

[11] Jensen, Rebecca. 2018. “Opening Marine Infantry to Women: A Civil-Military Crisis?” MCU Journal Special Issue: Gender Integration: 132-155.

[12] Andrea N. Goldstein, “‘Why Are You Trying to Destroy the Last Good Thing Men Have?’ Understanding Resistance to Women in Combat Jobs,” International Feminist Journal of Politics 20, no. 3 (July 3, 2018): 385–404, https://doi.org/10.1080/14616742.2018.1451259.

[13] Kirby Dick, The Invisible War (Docurama, 2012); Amy E. Street et al., “Gender Differences among Veterans Deployed in Support of the Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq,” Journal of General Internal Medicine 28 Suppl 2 (July 2013): S556-562, https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-013-2333-4.